Friday, November 22, 2013

Each Night I Fall Alseep

I’ve had a headache since last Wednesday. I have had a headache for more than a week now. Nothing seems to make it go away, except sleep, but sleep seems to be rare here.

I don’t know why I thought this was a good idea, but I checked out World War Z from the library, and I made the fatal mistake of reading it before going to sleep. Therefore, I dreamt about zombies and running all over castles and schools to hide. It actually wasn’t a scary dream, probably because it isn’t a very scary or gory book. It was just an exhausting dream, because I was running everywhere in it. I woke up exhausted, and here I am absolutely dragging.

Vor was out of town for the weekend, and I was a solo parent. I always have a harder time sleeping without him there next to me. I also have a harder time sleeping, because it’s me to protect and listen for Lis. When Vor’s there, I can sleep through her small sighs and shifts that we hear over the monitor; without him, I pretty much never fall asleep. For some reason, I woke up at 1:15 am, and proceeding to have a two hour anxiety fest. My brain would not shut down, and it came up with all kinds of creative scenarios wherein I lost everyone and everything I hold dear. No amount of singing songs to myself, reciting childhood prayers, trying to day dream counter scenarios, or just steady breathing and counting would make them stop or put me back to sleep. When I finally asleep from exhaustion around 4 am, I slept uneasily, halfway dreaming of being surrounded by silky black curtains of which that I could not punch way out.

We have close friends—the friends who introduced us to each other, albeit unwittingly. We were pregnant at the same time, but they lost the baby when she was seven months pregnant. The baby, a little girl, was going to be only two months younger than Lis. They miscarried again just under a year later. They found out they were pregnant when they came to visit us in September, and there was much rejoicing—and then they found out there were two—twins! Today, they discovered that one of twins has a terminal genetic disorder. They don’t know if the healthy twin will be able to survive if and when she starts to miscarry the other baby.

I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads / and one by one I count them / as they slumber in their beds.

I showed Lis a little snippet of White Christmas. She loved the big dance numbers, but I was surprised at how much the scene where Rosemary Clooney and Bing Crosby meet over liverwurst and sing to each other. She just swayed back and forth to the song, holding her lambie next to her face, and my breath caught, seeing every blessing I have ever had or wanted right there in front of me.

If you’re worried, and you can’t sleep / just count your blessings instead of sheep / and you’ll fall asleep, counting your blessings.

2 comments:

Attorney at Large said...

The best thing I ever did was ditch the baby monitors once Pea got to the place she could vocalize/sit/pull to stand. (I figured she could yell if she needed us; she was just 20 feet away. She could.) That state of hypervigilance is sanity-destroying (and not real sleep).

(Here's hoping this comment actually posts...blogspot and blogger usually eat my comments.)

Grace said...

Yeah, we tried ditching it, but our house is two stories, master on the main, and we are at the exact opposite end of the house from her. We can't hear her unless she is screaming bloody murder.